It’s been almost two weeks since we dropped you off at base camp, Nick.  What a series of highs and lows we have had adjusting to life here without you.  I hate it.  I hate everything about it, but God has shown us you are where you are supposed to be, so we endure the pain minute by minute.  Some days are better than others.  I have been trying to keep busy so the time passes quickly.  I haven’t cried as much lately like the first couple of days after we got home, so I guess that means I am making progress.

I got a new haircut and joined an exercise class.  I have been writing up a storm, which helps me process my feelings.  I have been throwing myself into being there for Grace and tending to her since I don’t have to split my time between you and her now.  I am praying more than ever and God has been so faithful in sustaining us.  He is so good and I am so thankful for His care of me while I figure out this new season of my life. 

We have heard from you a lot more than we thought we would.  I am so appreciative of that.  I see videos that are posted with you in them and it makes me giddy to see your face.  You are happy, dancing, laughing, and getting along with your team, which brings me much peace.  Even with getting strep throat, I knew you were in good hands and that your team and leaders would care well for you.  Even though the enemy is trying to strike you down, God has you. 

You sent me a text that says you “love me to death.”  That made my heart swell.  You were rebaptized to recommit yourself to this process and to have the right posture as you do His work.  That made me so proud.  You are wanting to keep the Sabbath holy.  That convicted me to want to do the same.  You shaved your head as you transition into this new adventure.  I cut my bangs in solidarity of your change. You are keeping physically fit and fasting.  I joined an exercise class and am trying to eat better as you have inspired me.  Son, you are doing so good.  In just the first week, we had already seen a change in you.  You are thriving and growing in Him.  You are using words like “blessed” because you see His goodness working through you.  We are so very proud and eager to hear from you with what you have learned and how you are preparing for your travels ahead.  Each time a text comes through from you, my heart skips a beat.  Whenever you face time us, I light up just to see your face and hear your voice.  Each time you have called, I am so thankful it has been when me, your dad and your sister have all been here so we can be together.  God is good that way.  I know that when you leave the states, we won’t hear from you as much, so I will take whatever communication we can have with you now.  I eat it up and I anxiously await our next contact with you with bated breath. 

The holidays will be here soon and I am not looking forward to celebrating without you.  You will be missing Grace’s and Dad’s birthdays, and our family traditions will be with one less this year.  It doesn’t seem right.  If I am being honest, it doesn’t seem quite fair, but as I have told you so many times over the years, life is not fair.  We don’t always get what we want and we must learn to be okay with that.  Funny, now I am needing someone to say that to me.  To remind me that I mustn’t be selfish.  I won’t always get my way.  My way would have you here right now and yet, you aren’t.  How is it that my heart hurts this badly?  How is it that you are miles away and happy, and I am here in our home sad and alone?  It has only been 12 days, but it feels like an eternity. 

When you were a baby, I would rock you in your dim bedroom.  I would pray over you as you slept on my chest that one day you would come to know the Lord and you would spend the rest of your life chasing after Him.  I would pray that over and over through the years not realizing that one day you would, and that one day you would leave us to follow Him.  I wished for this.  I prayed hard for this.  And, now, here we are.  My prayers have been answered.  I am so proud and yet I hurt so much.  How can this be? 

The task of mothering has always been a sacrificial one.  Mothers sacrifice sleep, their bodies, their finances, their time, and, yes, even their hearts.  It is often referred to as a “thankless job.”  And, not only do we do it once, but we continue to have more children, so we exert more, which means we feel even more.  As mothers, we work from our hearts.  We pour ourselves into our husbands, households, kids, pets, jobs, volunteering, etc.  Out of that, we feel exponentially what each member of our family is going through.  We hurt when they do.  We cheer when things are going well.  We rush in when there is a need (and there is always a need).  Mothers are the glue that holds everything together and if the glue fails, well, so does everything else. 

My husband says that mothers are air traffic controllers.  We are always accessing where everyone is, if everyone is where they should be, and redirect when things arise.  We are always on high alert to make sure everyone has what they need and that things are running smoothly.  I have also heard that air traffic controlling is one of the most stressful jobs, so it’s no surprise that mothers are continuously feeling burned out, fatigued, strained, irritated and exasperated.  We feel everything for everyone.  And when it comes to our children, multiply that by a gazillion. 

However, sacrifice is what we signed up for when we decided to have our babies, so we do it all, pray a lot, and hope for the best.  We pine for our children and their safety.  We place them on the right path and pray they don’t swerve off of it.  And, we remember that God is the perfect example of parenting.  Did He sacrifice?  You bet He did.  Big time.  He sacrificed His son on our behalf, so the next time I am missing my son, I will remember that I prayed for this.  God never said it was going to be easy, but He did promise to be there for us.  And, if it means my son is somewhere other than home because he is off telling others about our Father, than what worthier a sacrifice is there?  I can’t think of one.