These words stung.  Not only had I felt like I had been sucker punched in the gut, but I mostly felt like my son had stuck a knife through my heart.  We had been discussing his upcoming departure from the home and all of the details that needed tending to before he left.  As I was listing off to him all of the tasks still yet to be completed and the importance of staying on top of the list, he interrupted me and said “I don’t need you anymore, Mom!”  I was utterly stunned and not quite sure what to say or do.  My love language is words of affirmation, so this one phrase went straight to my core.  It was an anguish that left my chest ripped open and me gasping for air.  Shocked, I left the kitchen table and made my way upstairs.  Once in my bedroom, I unleashed tears of sadness, dismay, and pain.  How could he say such a thing to me?  Did he have any idea how much him verbalizing that would crush me? 



Well, let’s back up.  I will admit, sheepishly, but honestly, that I am a planner by nature. It is a blessing and a curse at the same time.  I like to have my calendar up to date, organized, and have plenty of time to prepare for upcoming events, deadlines, etc.  To a fault, however, because when I have everything laid out just so, I don’t always leave room for flexibility if things should shift or change (which, realistically, happens all the time).  In keeping it real, let’s just say what all of this is really about – CONTROL.  I am about as real as it gets, people.  I will be the first to admit it because I am so very imperfect and mess up all the time.  A hot mess, I am.  Throw menopause in there, and you have a real, big hot mess! I am a worrier by nature, so I assume that my wanting to be in control gives me some sort solace.  Typically, unfortunately, I do this without consulting with the One who is really in control, God.  Haven’t I learned after 53 years of age that He can handle things way better than me?  It is a weakness that I struggle with daily and often spend time confessing to Him that, once again, I messed up because I was trying to play Head Honcho instead of leaving it to the expert. 

So, here I was again with my son.  I was afraid of what his leaving our home would look like, so I was frantically making a list of tasks and things to do to make me feel better about having a grasp on things (or lack thereof, really).  With each item checked off, I felt like I was accomplishing something and could better handle what was to come as Nick hopped on a plane to travel around the world. He had decided to take a gap year and work with an organization called Adventures in Missions.  So, instead of buying dorm sheets, text books, and college memorabilia, we had to acquire things like immunizations for him to travel to foreign countries, a backpack that he would live out of for nine months, and a tent for him to sleep in.  While my other mom friends were buying coordinating dorm sheets and comforters, I was researching what bugs my son would encounter while in Cambodia.  It was not what I thought my 18-year-old son would be doing after High School.  I assumed he would be college bound, but the Lord had other plans for him, and I was surprised that He would not have consulted with this mother first to better prepare her!  Ha!  Like God would need my permission.  How arrogant is that!

So, I did what I always do and started executing.  My to-do list was long and I was ready to be the lead on delegating tasks and stating who would do what when.  What it came down to was that I wasn’t allowing my grown son to take the lead on his own life.  I wasn’t enabling him to learn how to do these things for himself that he was, actually, very capable of doing. He was excited for this next chapter and I was robbing him of that joy.  Of leading himself.  Of stepping up and taking the reins.  Of being a man.  When he blurted out “I don’t need you anymore, Mom,” I think what he really meant was “Mom, I’ve got this.  Don’t worry.  Let me be the one to handle this.  Give me the list.”  Instead, I received it like my job of being his mother was done and over.  That was it.  He had this and wanted me gone.  And, I was heartbroken wondering how we got here and was his need for me really caput?  What would my purpose be now if my role as mother was past? 

Unsure, I prayed and I prayed hard.  My Savior reminded me that with age comes wisdom.  And, He gently brought me back to when I was 18 and wanting to strike out on my own.  At that point in my life, I really felt like I didn’t need my parents anymore.  That I knew it all and as an adult I could think for myself and make my own decisions.  But looking back now as a grown woman, I realized how naïve that was and how I really didn’t know jack about anything.  I made mistakes and wrong decisions, but I also learned and matured from those experiences, just like my son would do, as well.  My mother passed away many years ago and, oh, how I wish she was still here.  I have come to realize that we will always need our mothers, even if we think we don’t. Only when I became a mother myself did I fully grasp this, and I know my kids will one day come to understand this, too, when they become parents.  So, I take a deep breath, try not to let that phrase my son said run too deeply, knowing full well that one day, after I am long gone, perhaps, he too will realize that he needed me all along.  That there will be that special place in his heart for me and that all of that worrying, controlling, and planning I was doing on his behalf was done out of love because deep down, he really did need me.  He just didn’t know it yet.   

The to-do list eventually got taken care of, Nick headed out of the country, and was on his way to seek the Lord’s will in his life.  And, for those nine months while he was away, God softened my heart to release the reins and let go.  Let go of thinking I knew it all and that things wouldn’t get done if I didn’t take over.  How wrong I was.  For the last nine months, my son travelled the world without me, washed his clothes without me around, cooked without my help, and has grown in his faith without me by his side.  And you know what?  He did pretty darn well without me.  He didn’t need me for those tangible tasks that I used to take care of for him, but my hope is that he still needed me somehow while he was gone.  Perhaps he needed those texts from me every so often checking in on him.  Maybe he needed to hear he was missed by me.  Maybe he needed that scripture verse that I sent him out of the blue as encouragement.  Perhaps he needed to know that he could always come home and that he has a family here ready to welcome him with open arms.  Maybe he needed to hear from me “I love you and am so proud of you, son.”  He may need me in different ways now and in the future, and whenever that is, I will be happy to oblige because I will always need him.  That will never change.  And, somewhere, deep down, it will hit him that he did need me all along when he hears one day from his teenage son or daughter “I don’t need you anymore, Dad.”